Thursday, July 8, 2010

Me, Now

I used to keep journals. I still have all of them... all the way back to 1989. It is fun to look over them again from time to time to retrace the highlights of this crazy ride we call life.
Now it seems I have opted to journal out here, where everyone can see it, if they want. This is better, I think. I can share my thoughts out here, not keep them all hidden away in composition notebooks that no one will ever read.
So this is my blog... hmm? What goes in the very first blog a person posts?
I supposed I could tell you all about me. Though, I suspect most of the folks reading this will be friends anyway, so you already know me. But I labeled this post "Me, Now" to imply that perhaps I am not the same me I was before, or will be later.
Me, Now.
At this point in the Grand Adventure, I am better. Better than I have been in years. I'm mentally healthy, spiritually glowing, physically in good shape, in a great healthy loving relationship, great home, great pets ('cept the cat keeps pissing on stuff). Life is good. Aside from the cat piss, I am exactly where I want to be.

Did I fail to mention my job? Yea, that is because I don't have one. I need one. I need one pretty badly. I have no idea how I am going to pay the rent next month. :)
I am amazingly relaxed about it. I've sent out the resumes and applications. I know I will have a job soon. I am simply choosing not to allow fear and desperation to rule my mind during the waiting time. To do so will cause me to make poor choices and end up in another place that I don't want to be.
So here I am, blogging and waiting for the completion of the whole package. Soon I will have a great job doing what I love.

The best part of me, now, is that I am happy. Very happy. Happier than I think I have ever been. The great relationship plays a big part in that. The other part is an awakening awareness in myself. I am gonna call it "ownership".
This is not about stuff, real estate or cars. It is about owning my life; owning the entirety of it. I've done some amazing things in my life, and I own those. I proudly accept responsibility for them. I also take full responsibility for all the less than happy things; all the stupid mistakes, the rotten relationships, the painful situations. Those are all me too. MINE MINE MINE!:) I cannot, nor do I want to, blame anyone or anything else for them.
I will delve more deeply into the context for this later on. I just wanted to share this one seemingly simple concept, that has given me a sense of control and focus like I have never had before.

So there is my first blog. I think its a bit disjointed... eh.. it will get better. A good friend suggested I do video blogs... maybe I will.

Thanks for reading.

An older story, to set the mood.

The following is an account of an event that occured in my life a little over 4 years ago. I am reposting it here because I love the story and the magic of it.

I got home from work today, hating the mundane-ness of my daily life. Ride the bus, work in big office on computer, eat lunch with unhappy suits, ride bus home with same unhappy suits... BLAH!!
So I decided to go for a walk... a long walk.. to explore my area. I wandered though some very wealthy looking neighborhoods, with manicured lawns and expensive cars. As I walked i though " I need more magic in my life". I walked on...and on.. and on.. I walked for 2 hours up and down the hill county of northwest Austin.
The subdivision gave way to more rural settings as the sun began to set. The views were spectacular. The fuscia western sky was amazing.
I walked on...and saw the one creature on this amazing planet that scared the shit outa me.... a snake!
Thank the gods it was already dead or I might have died of a coronary. I sprinted to get out of the wooded area before full on night fell.
I came round a corner and came to an intersection of moderately heavy traffic. Across the intersection a man in a gold car had stopped and was looking at the middle of the road. I tired to see what he was looking the gods!! another snake!!!!
The man got out of his car, and walked over to me. He was an attractive slim gentleman with greying temples. He spoke with a thick accent I thought was French.
"It was trying to cross the street and it got hit. I wanted to help it along to the other side.. but it is too late for it I think."
I told him how I feared snakes greatly. We chatted about why I was there and he told me that he lived nearby. It was an odd place for a conversation, but he was very charming and friendly. He told me he was a financial consultant and offered me his card. Then shook my hand and wished me luck.
The name on the card... I shit you not... was Uriel Bach.
Now if you dont know, Uriel is the name of the Archangel of the East in some mystic traditions. Angel of good fortune and wind falls. Financial consultant...????? you see my point right???
OOh it get better....
SO... I head home down a dark less travelled road.. and my foot hits a dark lump in the street. Having just met 2 dead snakes.,. I jumped! It turned out, however, to be a lovely brown leather purse. I was sure some prankster left it there... probably with a snake inside.. so I kicked it and walked on.
But that voice that judges us and makes us do silly things nagged at me "chickens never get the treasure". So I went back and kicked it again.. no movement came from inside. I stomped on it and nothing went squish. I punted it a few yards and waited.. nothing. I snuck up on it and pulled the zipper...slowly...then jumped back as I dumped it out...
Only papers, a billfold and a chapstick fell out. WHEEEW!!!
SO I dug in.. and looked around. I found a 10 and a 20 and a few ones and thought "Wooooooooooohoooooo!" then I found more.
A few envelopes.. filled with hundreds. I was shocked! I walked quickly to a secluded spot behind a dumpster and counted. $1853. NO SHIT! nearly 2000 dollars.
As I explored more.. I found her drivers licsens...her pics of her grandkids, adorable... her teacher's credit union card...etc. etc.
I sighed deeply and called my buddy Jeff. He googled her name for me and got me her #.
FUCK I could use 1800 bucks.. I need a car badly!
But I called her anyway. She was a sweet old retired teacher with a dickhead boyfriend with anger managment issues. He had tossed her purse out the window of the car during a fight. She cried when I gave it back... every dollar was there...I think a few coins got lost in the punting...she hugged me and thanked me for being a good person.....she rewarded me with a $20.
Im gonna have a nice lunch tomorrow...with the suits.. and Ill ride the bus again too.. but I will do it all knowing that magic happens all the time.. to me and because of me.

Uriel.... I hope you saw that... financial consultant huh??